niedziela, 2 września 2012

A panic attack

- I'm 27 years old! I should be already doing some career, getting important experience, reaching new goals, not be just sitting on a bench and waiting for my turn to start finally! I want to start already now, do things, not just keep waiting and waiting! - I was moaning in a middle of a night, sitting on a sofa and massaging my knee. Maurice was totally confused, where did this whole panic attack suddenly came from, but he was   also trying to cheer me up. Barely a quarter of an hour ago we were sitting with a friend in our favorite bar laughing and disscussing about some silly stuff. And now, suddenly I'm in this deep depresion state.

I guess many expats in my age knows exactly what I'm talking about and how it feels. This kind of helplesness when you're in a new country, where people are speaking a language you don't understand and even locals in your age are facing difficulties with finding a job. You've been studing for some years and strongly believing, that after the graduation you'll smoothly start another chapter in your life. The adult life. And somehow it doesn't work like that. Instead of getting on a runway, you end up in a hangar. And you start EVERYTHING from the beginning. Learning the language, the culture, finding out your way in a city and realising how does the whole country and society works. I know I'm not the only one, who has this worries, wondering how my life is gonna look like in this country. Lately I was talking about it with a colleague from my language course and we were laughing "Oh thank God, you have the same thoughts! So I did not go crazy yet... it's normal to feel this way".

Starting your life in another country can be very exciting. I feel sometimes like a five-year exploring the whole new world. A tiny little human, who doesn't understand yet everything that's happening around, but all of that seems to be so fascinating and inspiring. A motivation comes from all directions and I'm absorb all the news like a sponge. But there are also days, moments, when suddenly, out of nowhere I'm getting scared and panic. Especially when I'm worried about my healthy knee (the other was got damaged few years ago in an accident) cause it hurt for half a day, plus I'm quite drunk after few strong cuba libre... well here's a perfect recipe for a panic attack. Luckly today nothing hurts anymore, surprisingly there's no hangover and the panic is gone. Only Maurice is still a bit worried.

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